d.i.s.t.r.a.c.t.i.o.n

It is cold hard feelings.

Strange feelings.

Like there is neither more hope nor happiness in me.

Why does that happen?

Ahhh yess…

It’s because of my mind.

Been cursed.

Being so paranoid and afraid.

Afraid of things that won’t turn out as I planned.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so relax and calm.

I did remember those moments but it’s like I’ve been dragged to be unhappy.

Wake up !

I’m not in harry potter world =.=

I didn’t even realize I hurt people that I love the most so bad.

I knew what I said I hurt them but I have to say it.

The more I keep the worst I became.

Lately small things pissed me off.

Stuffs that I don’t like to hear.

Stuffs that I don’t like to do.

Stuffs that I don’t like to talk about.

I did try my best to be happy.

I was happy when I was with you, but like I said I got pissed off easily.

Lost my good mood.

I guess fake smile didn’t work on you.

Cried a lot till eyes became swollen.

Owh well I think I look better with swollen eyes. >.<

No I’m serious. :D

Look I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

I did try my best not to hurt anyone.

But it just happened.

 Arghhhhhh what can I do to distract myself from being stupidly emotional???

I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t even know me.

That’s weirdddd….. lol

What kind of person I am?

Am I that worse?

Did I treat you that bad?

Try to get lost with all my novels.

Keep myself busy.

But rarely work.

Haihhhhzzzzzz…..

I don’t know how to convince you anymore.

You know what hurts me the most?

When I had to cover my face with my pillow so that my parents wouldn’t know that I was actually crying.

Hahaha

I'm just being paranoid to human. 

Yeahh that is why it is hard for me to get so close with anyone except god.

I need to get rid of the paranoia a.s.a.p !

cry-rihanna

I've been missing my lil friend.

I've known her for more than 3 years.

Still remember when i 1st met her.

I never dare to go near her.

Shes not an easy type to be friend with.

Time flies.

End of the year,

the bitchest girl made me cried in school,

Shes there for me,

literally =.=

Lol

But whatever... :D

2nd year, in the same school, same class..,

Getting closer,

Try to understand her,

Slowly she accepted me,

Again,

End of the year,

In front of others,

The bitchest put me in shame,

Even in front of the teachers,

Well that hurts a lot,

Really a lot,

Again shes there for me..

Yeahhh..

She too, been humiliated by the bitchest..

Guess she knew the feeling of mine.

3rd year,

We're getting closer..

But the year full of drama..,

My mum, the jerk, the bicthest,

Nothing can calm me but she did.

She knew what sentence to use,

The right words to say,

Thats how i've been soo paranoid when the one that i love using the wrong word or wrong sentence.

Had enough w/ people keep on using me for their own benefit,

Scared to trust people,

Scared to madly in love,

But yeahh..

I am now.

Deep in love i mean.

Juz feeling of love of mine towards him.

Lord knows how complicated i am,

But he did keep me safe.

And now again.

feeling like i've been,

Drifted to the wind..

The only thing that knows everything is my pillow ! LOL

I wish my pillow can talk.

Then i dont need anyone else.

Thank goodness my pillow cant talk. -___-

Had chat w/ my kitty bum bumm.

About parents.

That night i cried a lot.

Thinking juz what if my parents..

What if...

Who and how?

Why?

Till now..

I am really sensitive when it comes to parents..

And here i am..

Really confused of people who called themselves as my friends..

Feeling ashame of me..

The way i speak,

The way i write or type..

Shame of me if i had fashion went wrong..

Shame of me juz wearing t-shirt n jeans..

Shame of me if i do not want to show off my skins..

Shame of being who i really am..

Yeahhh..

They want me to change soo that people dont talk about me.. Call me names..

But I dont want to change for some fuck up people..

I am who i am..

I dont even want to be part of ur fuck up world..

Unreal world..

Nothing seems real to me..

The only real to me is that,

My insecurity of my afterlife,

The endless list of sins that i did,

I can write every single sin i did,

But the list is too long for me to write down..

Might lose my fingers..,

But still the sins continue by itself..

I do know what i did was wrong but y i cant stop doing it..

Its a jerk feelings..

Stupid of me..

Wonder what and how can calm me down now?

Sitting at home alone.

Not knowing who to tell.

Not knowing how.

It hurts.

Yeahhh..

The only person i need the most right now

Is me, myself and i.

Have to get a grip of myself.

Got to be damn strong.

Cuz juz realized.

No one would be really there for me 24/7 nor understands me..

Except myself and god.

How stupid i am for having a bestfriend but simply useless..

I bet those people who read this would criticize me for being soo emotional..

Hey Im juz writing how do i feel about myself..

I dont even want any of ur attention. =P

Im childish, sensitive, trustworthy, damn careful w/ people, n certainly smart n genius when it comes to detect lies n uncover ugly truth of ur dark secrets..

I wonder who can get me at my best behaviour..

Owh well screw it.. :)

 Yeahhh.. And i do miss u.. a lot..

You and you..

=\

I havnt updated my blog. Wanted to but i dont know. Owh well screw it.
Tomorrow is th open day for my school.
Never thought that theyre gonna hav open day...
Hohoho im sooooo dead -____-
Well yeahh..
Nt really in a great condition.
I had fever n stomach ache yesterday..
Not fun =.=
Well the stomach ache is normal since i always got it. lol
But the fever that kinda make me wondering y n how.
haihhhhzzz.
I know y bt nt knowing how.
Im not sure what the hell is wrong w/ me but im fine juz ARGGGHHHHHH !! I need help !!
T^T
hahaha
Im insane n hurt n bla bla bla...
Cant really tell y..
Rather keep it to myself..
Love is fading...
I can feel the blame n all those stupid negative vibes around me..
Im not sure if everything is gonna be all right..
Yeahhh.. Not sure..
Stupid me. My mistakes.

Im tired being nice to u.

Owh yeahhh..

I went to my cousin's house yesterday..

Yes.. That "cousin" =.=

Ya noeee..

Want to be closed again w/ her lyk we always used to be..

But it didnt turn out that way..

The birdie told me she aint change..

Still talk behind my back after an HOUR meeting me..

Soo unbelievably true.

U c,

I wanted to make a peace w/ her n she did that to me (AGAIN!),

Soo i mean thats it.

Im done w/ u.

No more nicey-nice w/ u.

U played me well, n now its my turn to play u the BEST i can.

Watch ur arse girl.

HAPPY MOOD :D

Omg omg omgggggggg !!!!

Im sooooo happppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!

Done w/ the exam ! Literally. Well except for stupid physical education n civic. heh. Wth ryt?? -___-

Gheezz im actually a civilized person. Owh ermm basically i am except when ya noe my volcano erupted ! lol

Paper 3 for physics and chemistry werent dat easy. I've used up all my common sense. I bet i was bluffing only. hohoho owh well screw it. I dont care about it anymore. Hahahah

O.o im in a good mood today. I talked to dat 'person'. We're fine. U c? Im nt dat mean. Im nice. If ur nice to me. Bt lately if u havnt talked to me or i ignored u basically ur juz invisible to me. Cool aint ya think?

People want to be invisible soo much n they can.! Actually i made them invisible. Acting lyk they rnt exist. heee >.<

Met my sis yesterday. My pretty lil sis. Shes currently in Sek Tinggi Islam As-Sofa, rembau negeri 9.

Yeahhh.. Shes wayyy alim than me. lol

I've been to that school b4. For the ibadah camp a week ! It was torturing ! W/OUT MY CELLPHONE i think i would rather die.Bt watever. N my dad was planning to send me there again this year !!!

Im sooooo pissed off.. N dis time im not going for that stupid camp again. n it would be TWO WEEKS !!!! ARGHHHHHHH... =\ N mark my word i'll do anything it takes for me nt to go there. Trust me. Me n my kitty bum bum r going to make a plan. Hope da plan will work. heh. -___-

the hell u should go

Waking up w/ bad dreams.

What a very bad sign for me.

I don't like the dream that i had.

Hope it wasnt a deja vu.

Argh damn.

Physics today.

Studied last night bt couldnt understand n dun noe how to use the formula given.

Went to school w/ no mood at all.

Asking around for help to teach me physics.

I'll ask him.

"****** ! Cn u teach me physics?"

Him, "Sorry i xtau larr suruh larr haikal ajar..."

Me, "fine"

"Haikal ! Teach me physics."

Haikal, "I xtau langsung. Paham2 jer lar"

Me, haihhhhzzzz...

Entered the class texted my mum saying i cnt do physics. Stupid subject n aint making any sense.

He entered the class, "****** ! Teach me physics ! I dun understand !", him, "Owh ok."

Me, owh owkeyyy. i wonder y he doesnt want to teach me. Am i dat stupid? Im nt asking him to teach me da whole fuck up chapters. Juz da basic its fine by me bt he didnt teach me a single thing n whenever i asked him to teach me, he would say "owhhh i xtau larr.. Haikal lg tau.." wtf? N when anyone asked u to teach them u would go n teach them bt nt me? At least juz teach me basics dats all. Its nt dat hard. U knew bt u dun want to teach me i wonder y. Tears already in my eyes. I was panicking cuz aint understand a bit bout physics. He knew better bt owh well he didnt when to teach me. Its okie. I get.. Mybe im too slow huh? Bt i thought muslims suppose to help each other. In fact ur malay n im malay too. Soo y cnt u juz teach me?

No one noes how devastated i am till nw n da tears still there (yeahhhh... im dat sensitive =.=).... Kinda shocked cuz jiran sendiri xnak tolong nak buat mcm ne kn? Even my classmate yg xpro physics tried to make me understand even a bit n shes chinese, ur a malay, muslim, n my neighbour dont even want to help me wat cn i do ryt? Owh well the hell u should go. Its nt fair. At least teach me even one question bt u said no, im not good in physics n i noe nothing. Really heartbroken. Nvm that. May Allah bless what u've learnt. Its okie. Im fine. Perfectly fine.

hmmm =\

Its the way i live...

Its juz dat way soo stop bothering me k???

lol

What am i bluffing? -___-

Anyway, lifes well so-so..

Lost contact w/ my pet (kampan) cuz hes stuck w/ dat bitch.. haihzzz

Told him soo many time not to get involved w/ dat woman =.=

Owh well thank god its him nt me !
muahahahahah

Basically im boreddd till death here..

Me and my weird imagination..

Haihzzzzz

its hard its hard =.=

LOL