in between

im in between to be good person or to be bad person. i hate it.

Strong

Havnt update my blog for awhile. Owh y didnt i? Cuz maybe its too much that u people cant handle :P lol Honestly, i did cry less and lesser? Lyk im heartless but do have feelings? LOL I dont wats wrong w/ me. I have lesser energy lately, bad tempered, sleep a lot, tired, lazy, always say something mean to others.. Owh GOD please change me to become a better person T^T

lost

I miss u. I miss u a lot. I miss when we were happy together. I miss those moments. The laughter of urs made me smile whole day.
Im sorry the way i acted nowadays.
I hav doubt on us.

To him:
Pergi mampus ar kau =.=

To her:
I miss u a lot.
Sorry.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!

ermm okieee...
What date is today?
OMG !
2nd of January.
No no no no !!!
I have school tomorrow !!!
I really am scared for this year.
Hmmm
What will happen after my spm?
Only god knows.
Have to get the hell out from the hell asap !
lol

Owh gosh im insane

Okie.
I need shrink.
Seriously no joke.
Im getting crazier. *gaps*
Lol
No im really serioussssss..
Owh well myb i'll be ok after i met lyana later on..
Phewwwww -____-

things never went right.

I was really moved with Justin Bieber's song, PRAY,
Been listening to that song lately,
When i feel down n listening to that song the smile is back.
Yeah.
Getting stronger everytime,
Im starting to learn that no one can lean on someone for long,
Im starting to learn that standing up w/ my own feet better than juz being so emotional,
Im starting to learn that no one would really be there,
Im starting to learn that u cant trust someone's words or promises 100%,
Im starting to learn not to put soo much hope in someone but myself,
Im starting to learn that life isnt a gamble nor joke,
Life is a maze,
A dangerous big maze with everything inside it,
Roller-coaster, horrible accident, unexpected guest u name it.
Live our life to the fullest aint mean u go n fuck urself up.
Screw urself then thats it,
It may be the end or beginning for u.
Depends on what kinda person u r.
People would ask me to tell wth happened to me,
But it seems those words stuck n wont come out,
People would put soo much pressure on me n still i couldnt tell what had happened.
Holidays were really suck up.
Spent most of my times sleeping n pray to god so that the time pass away juz lyk that. -___-"

But all i do now,

Every moment when things aint ryt,

Close my eyes n pray that things eventually gets better. :)

haters

Formspring : kau tahu tak muka kau mcm tikus?ooOOoo haha gambar kau asl rambut je serabai muka mana?.. hahah

Me : Owh ye ke? tikus cute aq suka. Tikus pandai dan licik aq suka. Xharam. X dihitung dosa. Bagus nya kalu dpt jadi tikus or haiwan lain2. Xmacam kau perangai macam setan laknatullah. Allah benci. Thax :)

Lol

Juz opened my formspring.

Heh.

Quite a compliment for me?

Lol

Honestly, i love being messy.

But people love to give me names. Not sure y.

They call me "tikus", tiger, cat, lion, elephant, what else? =.=

But yeah i dont mind being an animal.

That would be soo much better.

Even Saidina Abu Bakar nak jd haiwan.

Haihz

Honestly bitchest,

I know who u are.

I dont give a fucking damn about what u've said.

Cuz deep down inside u,

U knew,

I am GOD DAMN BETTER THAN YOU ARE.

Ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :)

U've made my life

Things went wrong lately.

Mostly stuffs involving parents n friends.

Well yeah.

I dont have friends lately.

Just very few that i still keep in touch.

I guess cause i dont need anymore friends that aint worth to get close with.

I have my sis soo yeahh -__-

Me n my parents?

We're cool.

lol

Anyway went to ustaz's house.

He just got back fram hajj.

Yeahh.

Visited him yesterday.

He talked and talked n then he paused and looked at me

And said

"Ustaz dah doa kan untuk kak long"

Just that simple sentence,

Have made my life.

It gives me strength.

Very strong.

Like there will be nothing to bring me down.

I just kept on smiling the whole day.

Only god knows how happy i was n still am.

And all i have to do right now is believing in myself and serious shit.

I am gonna make it.

And i dont give a damn with those people who are wasting their time,

Talking behind my back.

Cause u know what?

I dont need to listen someone like u.

Yeahhh

IM BACK !

Totally no backing down.

Yeah. Kau standard lain. Aku standard lain kan?

Cuz i sent a stupid chain letter i already got to know the real u. Yeahh.. Now keep on asking myself can i trusted u w/ all those secrets i told u before?

My only wish

Pangg..
Holyshit.
That hurts a lot.
But thank god it wasnt police that escort me to go home.
Haihz
I wish my parents could understand me better.
But they cant cuz they dont want to.
I didnt lie. Not at all.
Fuck.

becareful when ur taking a pic

Soo yeahh.. If u do not want people to think bad stuffs about u, U hav to be cautious the way ur acting on camera. Cuz it could leads to negative thoughts when someone sees it. It will be ugly when people get into a fight juz a cuz of stupid photo ryt? Well yeahh.. It could destroys a relationship. That is bad. Really really bad.

Anyway, we all are different. Our sentences have different meaning than others. Soo I'm trying to understand what u people are trying to tell me. Those words ur using, im trying to to get a hint of what u really mean. Cuz when we talk about limits, my limits are different than urs. Ur limits are different than mine. Aahh. That hits me. We're not the same. We never will be on the same page. We speak different languages. Thats y.

Trying to get control of my emotions but hell no, its not fun cuz without them, i get lost. I get lost to unreal world.

But without u, i would rather die, cuz ur my love, my life and my everything. I really love u sayang :)

Money changed people

$$$$$$$$$$$

Money changed people.

Money destroyed people.

Stupid people used money for fuck up stuffs.

Money broke someone's heart.

Money destroyed love.

Money made people hate each other.

Money broke family apart.

Money made people cheated on each other.

Money made people's life a disaster.

BUT

Money saved someone's life.

Money saved an orphan.

Money saved old people.

Money saved animals.

Money saved those unfortunate people,

Ermm what else?

I think that's it.

The money that we're talking about here

is a big junk of money

$_$

As u can see the dark side of money is too much.

I wonder if getting rich is everything.

Money really still going to change people around us.

Thinking of how bad people need those big junk of money,

Make me wonder,

How r they gonna deal with that evil green?

Can they control themselves?

Let say u've married to a damn rich guy,

If the guy is stupid n doesnt know the harm of it,

The guy will fall into a big black hole and no one can saves him.

Y?

Rich man means he will or he obviously will or he try not to cheat on his wife.

But i dare say,

98% of rich men will cheat on their wives.

How about the rich lady?

If the lady is shopaholic,

She will show off everything she got and show to the WORLD,

And if she's nice God bless her,

If she's not, Please let her die quickly.

Lol

But yeahh..

Its true though.

Although,

Many rich people are fuck up,

Without money they didnt become fuck up,

But once they got all the money,

Mannnn,

I cant imagine the stuffs that they're about to do.

But i didnt say all of them are.

Some of them really using the money in the right way.

And i am very impress of those people.

Syed Mokhtar al-Bukhary, Warren Buffet, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates,

And many more.

But the people that i really look up to are Syed Mokhtar al-Bukhary and Warren Buffet.

God bless them.

Soo yeahh..

I know u would say this over n over again,

"Money is everything",

But can u handle that evil greens?

Plum Pretty Sugar { Between the Seams }

Plum Pretty Sugar { Between the Seams }

Im not like u.

Look.

I am a trustworthy person.

I keep my mouth shut.

Watever shits happened i didnt tell my mamma bout it.

I dun get y the hell u wanna complaint bout me to ur parents n ur frens?

Im ur relative n u talked behind my back.

Its killing me.

It really is killing me till now.

I xpernah nak cerita kat my mum bukan2 pasal kau cuz ur my cousin.

My frens told me bout u.

Please larr weii.

I mmg benci gila org xnak mengaku buat salah. Berlagak baik.

I pray to God every single day to punish u for what u've did to me.

I get upset n sometimes i cried thinking of wat u did.

How could u?

Its not fair.

Im ur cousin n u did those stuffs behind my back.

Baik sgt ke diri kau tu yg kau nak kutuk org?

Sejahat jahat aku pun (or fuck up as u told ur mamma n frens),

Lagi keji org yg mengutuk saudara sendiri.

May God teach u a lesson.

Change?

People.

Can they really change for better?

Or they changed for better n then they got fed up being "goody-good" n went back to what they were or worse?

Can someone really change people?

Will it work?

No. I'm serious.

Can it really work using nice words, kindness n bla bla bla..

Will it really work?

Well yeahh..

Of coz everyone wants to become better person in every way..

But can they keep it up with their plan's to become a better person?

I'm just worried if I'll become worse than before.

Yeahh..

I am not a good person either.

Just being curious.

Scared if people that i love become worse in the future.

My sister, my brothers, my nieces, my nephews,

Or my own kids.

Which parents want to see their kids doing things that they shouldnt do?

Or the same mistakes that we did?

Well yeahh..

U can say "owh my parents damn cool. They dont really care about shits that i do."

R u really sure about that?

Yeahh.. Maybe they do not show their worries n caring enough about u cuz their too busy w/ their works..

But i really am sure they did cry n pray for their kids to become a better person n better parents in the future.

That hits me a lot.

Maybe the way we're acting ryt now,

Those fuck up things that we did, n still doing it,

Wont effect us ryt NOW in a way,

But hell yes.

It will effect our kids FUTURE.

Do u know y?

Cuz ryt now,

Shits that we did or doing it and we're OKAY with it even though we already knew that its WRONG,

And then we will actually let our kids doing it cuz we thought it's OKAY since we did those stuffs at their age.

Soo yeahh..

Seeing people around me,

What they're doing.,

The way they're acting,

The way they're thinking,

Really makes me think more about the future than the present.

What kind of person i want to be?

The path is right in front of me.

Just waiting for me to choose it.

Better or worse?

Darkness or brightness?

U can insult everything that i've just wrote.

Criticize me, saying Im just want attention cuz think im better than anyone,

Or call me just wanna show to the world that Im the only one who aint fuck up,

Or whatever shits u want to say about me.

Do i give a damn about it?

Maybe no maybe yes.

Depends on what ur criticizing.

Just want to let u know what i was thinking about.

Just want to share with u the reality.

Or should i say the patterns of our life.

Thank god

Okayyyy

I've changed my template..

Thax to those people who well patiently helped me.

LOL

Silent

I can be damn loud, hyper, talkative, bithcy, mean, but yeahh..

I can be damn silent, just smile, n listen to what you people were saying..

Those words that came out from your mouth ran through my mind like a damn fast train..

And then,

Suddenly the mind paused for awhile and thinking of what u've just said..

Hell yeahhh...

I caught u said the things that u did..

The things that u shouldn't do..

But did i attack u at that time?

Nope..

I let it be.. 

Keep it cool and keep on smiling :)

Just keep on telling myself to be really damn aware with the words that u would say next..

Owh well,

I've been training myself to be think before the words come from my mouth..

I am sick of those people who keep on telling me n bragging to me of what they people dont want to do but in the end they did..

Yeahhh...

After the things that i shouldnt do but i already did,

Since that day,

I just realized what i did is a big mistake..

Theres no turning back..

Thats for sure..

Soo like i said,

If you've said u don't want to do those shits then just don't ok?

But if u did the things that u've said u DO NOT want to do,

U just make a bad or worse impression on me.

And you now what, 

That is damn bad..

You know why?

U've made me having paranoia.

Yeahhh.. 

And my paranoid doesnt go off easily..

It will come back n keep on bugging me on negative thoughts..

And and i HATE when it happened..

It annoyed me like freaking hell.

And what u've said u didnt want to do but u did and i caught u red handed.,

HAH !

Now that is something.

Its like a tiny sharp knife stabbed my heart hundreds of time..

It hurts a lot.

Freaking a lot.

But yeahh..

I didnt complaint about it..

It takes time for me to complaint stuffs.. (except for the heatness of coz! I cant stand the heat =.=)

Soo yeahhh..

At least i didnt make up story to impress anyone. (pssstttt im not sure if u were telling the truth or not but watever. lol)

The one who wants the limelight is u.

If i really want the limelight, i would have gotten it till now.

d.i.s.t.r.a.c.t.i.o.n

It is cold hard feelings.

Strange feelings.

Like there is neither more hope nor happiness in me.

Why does that happen?

Ahhh yess…

It’s because of my mind.

Been cursed.

Being so paranoid and afraid.

Afraid of things that won’t turn out as I planned.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so relax and calm.

I did remember those moments but it’s like I’ve been dragged to be unhappy.

Wake up !

I’m not in harry potter world =.=

I didn’t even realize I hurt people that I love the most so bad.

I knew what I said I hurt them but I have to say it.

The more I keep the worst I became.

Lately small things pissed me off.

Stuffs that I don’t like to hear.

Stuffs that I don’t like to do.

Stuffs that I don’t like to talk about.

I did try my best to be happy.

I was happy when I was with you, but like I said I got pissed off easily.

Lost my good mood.

I guess fake smile didn’t work on you.

Cried a lot till eyes became swollen.

Owh well I think I look better with swollen eyes. >.<

No I’m serious. :D

Look I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

I did try my best not to hurt anyone.

But it just happened.

 Arghhhhhh what can I do to distract myself from being stupidly emotional???

I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t even know me.

That’s weirdddd….. lol

What kind of person I am?

Am I that worse?

Did I treat you that bad?

Try to get lost with all my novels.

Keep myself busy.

But rarely work.

Haihhhhzzzzzz…..

I don’t know how to convince you anymore.

You know what hurts me the most?

When I had to cover my face with my pillow so that my parents wouldn’t know that I was actually crying.

Hahaha

I'm just being paranoid to human. 

Yeahh that is why it is hard for me to get so close with anyone except god.

I need to get rid of the paranoia a.s.a.p !

cry-rihanna

I've been missing my lil friend.

I've known her for more than 3 years.

Still remember when i 1st met her.

I never dare to go near her.

Shes not an easy type to be friend with.

Time flies.

End of the year,

the bitchest girl made me cried in school,

Shes there for me,

literally =.=

Lol

But whatever... :D

2nd year, in the same school, same class..,

Getting closer,

Try to understand her,

Slowly she accepted me,

Again,

End of the year,

In front of others,

The bitchest put me in shame,

Even in front of the teachers,

Well that hurts a lot,

Really a lot,

Again shes there for me..

Yeahhh..

She too, been humiliated by the bitchest..

Guess she knew the feeling of mine.

3rd year,

We're getting closer..

But the year full of drama..,

My mum, the jerk, the bicthest,

Nothing can calm me but she did.

She knew what sentence to use,

The right words to say,

Thats how i've been soo paranoid when the one that i love using the wrong word or wrong sentence.

Had enough w/ people keep on using me for their own benefit,

Scared to trust people,

Scared to madly in love,

But yeahh..

I am now.

Deep in love i mean.

Juz feeling of love of mine towards him.

Lord knows how complicated i am,

But he did keep me safe.

And now again.

feeling like i've been,

Drifted to the wind..

The only thing that knows everything is my pillow ! LOL

I wish my pillow can talk.

Then i dont need anyone else.

Thank goodness my pillow cant talk. -___-

Had chat w/ my kitty bum bumm.

About parents.

That night i cried a lot.

Thinking juz what if my parents..

What if...

Who and how?

Why?

Till now..

I am really sensitive when it comes to parents..

And here i am..

Really confused of people who called themselves as my friends..

Feeling ashame of me..

The way i speak,

The way i write or type..

Shame of me if i had fashion went wrong..

Shame of me juz wearing t-shirt n jeans..

Shame of me if i do not want to show off my skins..

Shame of being who i really am..

Yeahhh..

They want me to change soo that people dont talk about me.. Call me names..

But I dont want to change for some fuck up people..

I am who i am..

I dont even want to be part of ur fuck up world..

Unreal world..

Nothing seems real to me..

The only real to me is that,

My insecurity of my afterlife,

The endless list of sins that i did,

I can write every single sin i did,

But the list is too long for me to write down..

Might lose my fingers..,

But still the sins continue by itself..

I do know what i did was wrong but y i cant stop doing it..

Its a jerk feelings..

Stupid of me..

Wonder what and how can calm me down now?

Sitting at home alone.

Not knowing who to tell.

Not knowing how.

It hurts.

Yeahhh..

The only person i need the most right now

Is me, myself and i.

Have to get a grip of myself.

Got to be damn strong.

Cuz juz realized.

No one would be really there for me 24/7 nor understands me..

Except myself and god.

How stupid i am for having a bestfriend but simply useless..

I bet those people who read this would criticize me for being soo emotional..

Hey Im juz writing how do i feel about myself..

I dont even want any of ur attention. =P

Im childish, sensitive, trustworthy, damn careful w/ people, n certainly smart n genius when it comes to detect lies n uncover ugly truth of ur dark secrets..

I wonder who can get me at my best behaviour..

Owh well screw it.. :)

 Yeahhh.. And i do miss u.. a lot..

You and you..

=\

I havnt updated my blog. Wanted to but i dont know. Owh well screw it.
Tomorrow is th open day for my school.
Never thought that theyre gonna hav open day...
Hohoho im sooooo dead -____-
Well yeahh..
Nt really in a great condition.
I had fever n stomach ache yesterday..
Not fun =.=
Well the stomach ache is normal since i always got it. lol
But the fever that kinda make me wondering y n how.
haihhhhzzz.
I know y bt nt knowing how.
Im not sure what the hell is wrong w/ me but im fine juz ARGGGHHHHHH !! I need help !!
T^T
hahaha
Im insane n hurt n bla bla bla...
Cant really tell y..
Rather keep it to myself..
Love is fading...
I can feel the blame n all those stupid negative vibes around me..
Im not sure if everything is gonna be all right..
Yeahhh.. Not sure..
Stupid me. My mistakes.